Hello, how are you?

Yes, I am asking you, dear reader, but I am also truly asking myself.  I talk to myself a lot these days, but I seem to forget the pleasantries.

2018 started like an anvil to the head followed by an extended game of whack-a-mole, but it’s alright. I’m alright. I think.  Or I am not, but that is okay too.

The best thing about taking a wrecking ball to a rotten house is that you no longer have to worry about it falling down on you.

Right now I feel like I am emerging from a pile of rubble, dust in my hair and eyelashes, dirt under my fingernails and scratches across my feet. I’ve lost my shoes somewhere but it’s fine because everything is beautiful and the possibilities are endless once more.

I am turning 30 in a month and my life is nothing like I expected. Actually that’s not true, I drink a lot of cocktails, have a lot of friends and own healthy number of plants…but other than that I had no idea I would be single, living on my own 3,500 miles from home and regularly staring down the uninvited guest of crippling anxiety.  That’s the thing about plans. If you really think about it, they mean fuck all to anyone or anything other than yours truly. Try as you may, you can’t control the  7.5 billion other plan makers and the trillions of possible outcomes their actions could create. You’ve just got to sort of ride the chaos and hope it works out alright. Scary, but actually pretty beautiful if you give in to it in good faith and with a reasonable dash of good humour.

When I opened my eyes this morning, all number of outcomes were possible. Some of them good. Some of them not so good. I will graciously do my best to accept that some of them are within my control and some are not.

I want to tell you about everything that lead me here to this spot, writing this post in my one bedroom apartment in Toronto, the night after a cancelled Christmas party and a gut-wrenchingly testing year. I will. But first I wanted to ask… how are you?

17 thoughts on “Hello

  1. To answer your question, I am good. This year has been good to me and I am thankful for that. Sometimes it gets rough but hey, there will always be a tomorrow. Life ain’t always like we imagine but in there lies the necessity of living one day at a time. Glad to read you. Looking forward your stories.

  2. Hi Rebecca, firstly I admire your outlook on things it’s very intriguing and a lot more in depth than the way I think. Also been watching your channel for a long time, I currently live in Scotland but I feel my heart belongs in Toronto after watching your vlogs and other videos and I hope I get there someday soon. So I want to say thank you for that little spark of inspiration I need to get where I want to be.

  3. I’ve been asking myself that question for nigh on my last ten years as I stare down my own approaching thirtieth birthday. I wish I had a good answer for you. For now I’ll have to settle with a “Glad to hear you’ve emerged from the rubble and are looking forward! Just remember, building the foundation for a new house takes a while but once you’ve got that down pat, the rest of the house will be all the sturdier!”

    From a humble Hufflepuff.

  4. I couldn’t have related to a post more than this. I’m 26 and 3,000 miles away from home and crippling anxiety is such a bitch. I love your work on YouTube tho! I hope the rest of this year of good for ya and that 2019 isn’t as much of a pos as 2018 haha


  5. I had no idea you were nearly 30, you look incredible! I’ve followed you for a few years now and I think you are an amazing person. I too have suffered anxiety so I can sympathise with you, but keep believing in yourself. You got this!
    Thank you for keeping us all entertained, and I have no doubt that when you want to find a guy, you will have many, many offers!

  6. I am alright, starting a new job in january and helping my family get out of the crappy apartment. Also I know things will get better and I know things will get better for you Rebecca, anyways I hope you have a great day and a great 2019 to come.

  7. Hi Rebecca, at this moment in time I’m doing good. What about you? I know what it’s like living with, anxiety and depression, lost count how many times people say it won’t last, I’ll get past it. 20 years of it, says otherwise. 31 years old still living at home with no plan for the future, zero ambition or motivation. The thing that’s held me back is my inability to see any point in doing anything, when the end is always the same… I’m not completely useless I do have a job, which is what we all live for, it seems.

    I’ve been single most of my life, it’s actually pretty awesome! I’ve got used to the loneliness, still got my family, that definitely helps.

  8. Hang in there Rebecca! That was 2016 for me. You have a lot of things to think of, the chaos just comes whether you ask for it or not it seems. But I completely agree that it’s actually beautiful and humbling in good faith and good humour.

    May you be well!

  9. Rebecca “Slytherin Queen” Felgate, your outlook on life is one that all of us need, and not enough of us have. To answer your question, I’m doing pretty well. I just finished up my third, and most stressful thus far, semester of college, I’m now back at my job back home for the holidays, and I’m approaching the 1 year anniversary of my wonderful fiancée saying yes to my proposal. I’d never seen my life as one extraordinarily challenging and I recently realized I’d taken that for granted. You’ve proven and shown to us how strong and powerful of a woman you are, and all of us believe in you. I’ll finish this off with a quote for you.
    “It is better to be hated for what you are than to be loved for what you aren’t.”

  10. I am doing good. Took a while but life is finally headed in the right direction. Love your work on YouTube and I can not wait to read your blog. Thank you for letting us get to know you better.

  11. Dear Rebecca,

    I can now say in fair honesty that things are going well for me. Finally. That I can tell my boundaries better and better, and the limitations that life has given me, are brutal but I cope with it eventhough sometimes with a healthy reluctance. Now that my age is closer to 40 than 30, there may be new concerns, especially for my parents and their brittle health. Fortunately, I am not alone in the challenges that come with it.

    Reading your lifestories is a welcome distraction from my own sometimes hectic life and I want to thank you for that, and to remind you: You are not alone!

    Kind regards, (and see you on facebook)

    Greetings from the Netherlands

  12. Hiya Gorgeous.

    Miss you. And any…..any time you want to put the world to rights, I am your girl.

    Ups and downs, life’s perpetual rollercoaster.


  13. Honestly Rebecca this has so inspired me to create a new blog of my own. Maybe I will soon. Until then, I’ll just be happy reading yours.

  14. Hi Rebecca
    I couldn’t have summed up 2018 more succinctly than “emerging from a pile of rubble.” Started this year wondering if wanted to continue living. Crippling anxiety & depression overwhelmed me. I got the help that I needed and am in a much better place. Not perfect by any stretch but still swinging Thanks for sharing your story. Looking forward to further installments.

  15. I’m good! I’m a struggling podcaster, writer, and half-assed youtuber, trying to make ends meet and I’ve never been happier! I used to have a tech job making really good money but I was miserable. Battling depression, substance abuse, and a couple of suicide attempts…I eventually got fired from that job and started writing and podcasting. I’m nowhere near successful, but I don’t care, I’m living my life the way I must, by creating. What I used to do was destructive…to me and the world. Now I can sleep at night and look myself in the mirror! Enough about me…how are you?

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